Sunday, 2 December 2012

Moving On (Day By Day)

“Smiles go unreturned
The blush fades from my face
No more lovesick swooning
Only memories I can’t erase

No more hearts by your name
No more tears to cry
I’ll burn the pictures in the fire
Let the ashes fly

You’ve finally left my dreams
But I can’t sleep in peace
I’m still mending my broken heart
Piece by shattered piece

I’ve gotten rid of the collection
Lost your model train
Your umbrella’s in the trash can
Who cares if it should rain?

Ripped off the calendar
Those circled dates are gone
I don’t care if it’s your birthday
Not gonna be your mindless pawn

I’m completely over you
Or so I’d like to think
So no more sappy love letters
I’ve thrown away the ink

So just walk on by
I’ll swallow the things I want to say
Until my heart is whole again
I’ll wait, day by day”
And so he waited, and waited, day by day but still he felt the same. He couldn’t get over her; over all the things they went through together. Just the little things brought flashbacks of her smiles, the way her dimples would pop out, the way her face would cringe at the thought of being alone, the smell of her natural scent that evaded his mind, the way she danced effortlessly like she was born for Broadway  All those memories hit him like a train and it was driving him insane. He hadn’t spoken to her ever since they broke up and that tore him up even more. He missed her but she didn’t make an effort to show that she still cared. 
He’d have scenarios of her at his front door step, wanting him back and him with no hesitation pulling her into a warm and longing embrace. Memories hit him of the day it all fell apart. The tears, the breakdown and the excruciating  heartbreak. Most days he laid in bed, dreading his existence  Always looking at his right side, finding it empty and extra lonely as that’s where she’d lay beside him.
Another memory appears of one of their most intimate times together. With their arms wrapped around each others, their heartbeat beating faster, their breaths caught up in their lungs, eyes locked onto each others, their body’s pressed against one another and their lips intertwined. This memory escaping a tear from his eye. More flashbacks came as one portrayed them in a park, acting like nothing would come between them. Her showing him a part of himself he never knew he had. Courage was what she brought out in him. Difference was what she brought into his life. 
As he tries to ignore the flashbacks that keep appearing, he decides after months of lying in bed, to take a walk into town, to try and clear his mind. He forces himself to observe all there is around him; the children playing, the dogs, cats and birds, the street dancers and musicians, the public graffiti and art displayed all around him; all of this, slowly taking his mind of what he was trying to avoid. 
He walks into a park and finds his mind at ease, his thoughts at peace. He’s finally taking that extra step he needed to move on. All of this until he sees a couple that reminded him of what he and Jasmyn used to be. This brings up memories of every moment  Jasmyn and him would fight. How she’d always pick fights with him and how he’d be the one making an effort to make things right. Memory after memory began to make him angry, reminding him of how ungrateful and ignorant she was. He runs home and throws a fit as he tears his room apart and burns everything she owned, everything she left, everything she refused to take back. He threw it all, burnt them all until there was nothing left. Fit after fit he threw. 
He finally grows tired as he falls to the floor and breaks down again, panting like he lost his breath, still angry. After what felt like hours, staring into completely nothing, he notices a picture under everything he tore apart. Curiosity gets the best of him as he picks up the picture and sees the two of them together, drinking coffee at a local cafe. This brings up a flashback to the day they first met, at the same cafe in the picture.
It was raining and she was getting mugged. She screamed for help but no one could hear her. It led to the point where she almost got raped. That was when Ian came, he saw what happened and without hesitation he beat up the muggers and saved Jasmyn as he lifted her up and took her to a safe place. She was okay though, a little bruises here and there but nothing serious. He asked her if she wanted something to drink and as she nodded he took her to the nearest cafe. The cafe where it all began. 
More memories appeared of every moment they had, every beautiful moment he would never erase, never forget and never let go of. This brought him to tears and not only that but also realization that what he and Jasmyn had was something  he could not get rid of. 
And so he ran. He left his room in a complete mess, left everything behind and ran for his life. He didn’t know where he was going but he knew where he was going would lead him back to his first and only love. He jumped over bridges, over boulders and things that were in his way. He pushed and passed people, not caring if he hit, punched or kicked them. He had no care in the world. All he knew was he needed her and that he had to have her back. He stole a bicycle from a kid, a skateboard, a motorbike. He gotten beaten up, mugged, injured and bruised but all that didn’t matter.
He finally reached her house. After all these months, he got to see her again. His heartbeat was  faster. His hands trembling and sweaty. His pulse rising and his breath caught up in his lungs. He saw her and a part of him felt whole again. He was about to ring the doorbell until he caught a full view of her. She wasn’t alone. She was with someone else. They looked more than happy together with their arms wrapped around each others, their heartbeat beating faster, their breaths caught up in their lungs, eyes locked onto each others, their body’s pressed against one another and their lips intertwined. His eyes never once left the couple, happily kissing. He could have sworn he saw himself in her arms but itwasn’t him. It was another guy. And she was happy. She looked more happy then she’d ever been with him. 
Realization dawned as he saw that she clearly moved on. Maybe it was a mistake. He shouldn’t have been there in the first place. He thought. But he knew very well that in order for him to move on, he had to know that she had too. Not only did a part of him break, but he completely cracked, releasing a person filled with entirely nothing.
Walking back felt like eternity but as his feet mindlessly kept moving he thought about how this couldn’t be the end. It couldn’t be the end. Maybe he would find somebody. Maybe somebody like Jasmyn or maybe somebody better.

“I’m completely over you
Or so I’d like to think
So no more sappy love letters
I’ve thrown away the ink
So I’ll just walk on by
Swallowing the things I wanted to say
Yearning for my heart to be whole again
I’m still waiting, day by day.”


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